Your shadow is showing at home
- Inbar Lee Hyams
- Jun 8
- 6 min read
Updated: Aug 26
This week's Torah portion, Beha'alotcha (Numbers 8:1-12:16), begins with God instructing Aaron to light the menorah with flames that face inward before illuminating outward. Later, we witness Miriam and Aaron criticizing Moses, their brother and leader, which results in Miriam being afflicted with tzara'at (spiritual leprosy). The juxtaposition feels intentional – first we learn about inner illumination, then we see what happens when criticism comes from a place that hasn't done that inner work first.
Yesterday, a coworker confessed he'd started watching Big Brother – the gazillionth season of that reality show. "It's so toxic," he said, "but it really reflects Israeli society." The comment stuck with me because the show amplifies the same dynamic I see everywhere in Israeli discourse: people in impossible situations getting judged harshly by those watching safely from the sidelines. It reminded me of how we consume criticism of our leaders – always from the comfort of our couches, rarely examining whether we'd handle that pressure any better.
This made me wonder: why do we as Israelis – as Jews – feel so compelled to criticize each other? Just like my coworker critiquing reality TV contestants, we often speak without first doing the inner examination that this week's Torah portion demands.
Maybe it's our tribal lineage - we come from Hillel and Shamai, after all. Our tradition sanctifies argument, elevates disagreement to sacred practice when it's machloket l'shem shamayim - argument for the sake of heaven. Sometimes our leaders do deserve scrutiny, and sometimes our criticism is well-intentioned. But somewhere between Hillel and Shamai's holy debates and our modern discourse, we've lost the practice of examining our own intentions first.
The difference between Hillel and Shamai's disputes and Miriam and Aaron's criticism of Moses? The former were seeking truth together while constantly examining their own motivations; the latter had legitimate concerns but spoke from unexamined shadows.
According to the Sefat Emet, the 19th-century Hasidic master, even well-intentioned criticism of leadership can fracture communal trust when shared without wisdom. Like Miriam and Aaron, we might have legitimate concerns, but when we speak from a place that hasn't first examined our own shadows, our words can wound rather than heal. What if our criticism isn't even well-intentioned? What if it's shadow projection disguised as righteousness?
Our homes are mirrors of our inner worlds - they reflect back what we're willing to see and what we're determined to hide. My teacher Amanda Gibby Peters says: if you're not willing to embrace your shadow, you have no business trying to guide people into light through feng shui. Our living spaces can either support us in facing our full humanity or enable us to maintain the illusions that keep us projecting our darkness onto others.
ROOM OF THE WEEK: THE LIVING ROOM
The living room is where we practice being human with the people we love most. Amanda calls it the "mother board" of the home, like a mini bagua map that influences all family dynamics. This is where we learn whether we can hold space for each other's darkness or whether we'll criticize each other when the pressure mounts.
DAILY ENERGY FOCUS
Sunday (Yang/Sun) OBSERVE your living room and notice what triggers your harshest judgments about family members. What qualities in them make you most uncomfortable? Those are your hidden aspects knocking. This space reveals what parts of yourself you're not willing to own.
Monday (Yin/Moon) NOTICE how your family handles mistakes and moral failures in this space. Do you create room for each other's humanity, or do you exile family members when they reveal their darker impulses? Consider adding gentle lighting that softens rather than spotlights human imperfection.
Tuesday (Fire/Joy) CLEAR anything that represents your family's "perfect" image – the curated photos, the performance of harmony that denies your collective shadows. ADD elements that acknowledge your family's full spectrum of humanity, creating that indefinable quality where people feel safe to be flawed.
Wednesday (Water/Flow) OBSERVE how shame and judgment flow through family conversations in this space. The flowing energy of water asks: What family darkness are you refusing to acknowledge? Remove sharp edges of moral superiority that cut off honest self-reflection.
Thursday (Wood/Growth) TEND to something that represents your family's capacity for both creation and destruction. Like the tree that can both shelter and strangle, acknowledge that growth includes the difficult impulses we'd rather not see. For families living under constant existential pressure, this practice becomes especially crucial.
Friday (Metal/Structure) OBSERVE the boundaries in your living room - both physical and energetic. Notice where family members naturally create distance when conversations get difficult, and where you might need clearer limits around judgment or criticism. The structured energy of metal asks: How do you create enough safety that family members can admit their mistakes without fear of being cut off or shamed? Those with metal numbers (6, 7) may find this boundary work particularly clarifying.
Saturday (Earth/Grounding) REST in the knowledge that your family contains the full spectrum of human possibility – including the parts you least want to acknowledge. Ground yourself in the reality that owning your uncomfortable truths is what makes genuine love possible.
By moving through yin, yang, and each of the five elements throughout the week, you're systematically creating the circumstances for more balance and harmony in your home's chi and your own.
BAGUA MAP BY ROOM
Before we look at where your living room falls, consider this: Learning from Others vs. Self-Referenced Growth – Where could you benefit from looking at how others approach their shadows – studying how other families, communities, or leaders handle their darkness without projection? And where do you need to stop comparing your family's shadow work to others and focus only on your own capacity for owning the beast within?
In Israel especially, where survival decisions reveal the depths of human complexity, this balance becomes essential for maintaining both personal integrity and communal cohesion.
Looking at your living room as its own mini bagua map, here's how to practice shadow integration in each area:
Stand at the main entrance to your living room and overlay the tic tac toe board below.
┌─────────────────┬─────────────────┬─────────────────┐
│ Wealth │ Fame │ Relationships │
│ Corner │ Corner │ Corner │
├─────────────────┼─────────────────┼─────────────────┤
│ Family │ Center │ Children │
│ Corner │ │ Corner │
├─────────────────┼─────────────────┼─────────────────┤
│ Knowledge │ Career │ Helpful People │
│ Corner │ Corner │ Corner │
└─────────────────┴─────────────────┴─────────────────┘
↑ ↑ ↑
Front door aligns somewhere along this edge
Knowledge Area (Gua 8): This is where shadow work begins. How does this area of your living room support radical self-honesty about your capacity for the very behaviors you criticize in others? CLEAR books or media that reinforce your moral superiority, ADD elements that remind you of your own complexity, OBSERVE what parts of yourself you've been projecting onto family members or leaders.
Relationships Area: How does this area support acknowledging complexity in your intimate partnerships? Can you love someone while fully seeing their capacity for selfishness – and can you let them see yours? TEND to spaces where honest conversations about human nature can coexist with deep love, CLEAR the fantasy that love means never seeing each other's difficult aspects.
Center: The heart of family integration work. This area should hold the truth that your family contains the full spectrum of human possibility. REST here in the paradox that owning your darkness is what makes authentic connection possible, AMPLIFY elements that represent your family's commitment to truth over image.
Family Area: How does this area help you acknowledge the patterns inherited through generations? CLEAR the story that your family lineage is somehow exempt from human darkness, ADD elements that honor both the light and complexity of your ancestry, OBSERVE what familial patterns you've been denying.
Fame Area: How does this area support being seen for your full humanity rather than your curated image? CLEAR anything that represents the performance of moral purity, ADD elements that acknowledge your capacity for the behaviors you sometimes condemn, AMPLIFY authenticity over righteousness.
Career Area: How does this area help you acknowledge your own capacity for workplace behaviors you criticize in leaders? CLEAR career materials that reinforce your moral superiority, OBSERVE where you avoid responsibility because it might reveal your own uncomfortable truths.
Children Area: How does this area support raising children who can own their full humanity rather than projecting their shadows onto others? ADD elements that normalize the full spectrum of human emotion, CLEAR perfectionist energy that teaches children to exile their difficult impulses.
Helpful People Area: How does this area help you receive guidance about inner work rather than advice that reinforces your righteousness? CLEAR connections with people who enable your moral superiority, ADD representations of teachers who challenge you to see your own complexity.
Wealth Area: How does this area help you acknowledge your relationship with greed and selfishness? CLEAR symbols that reinforce scarcity thinking, ADD elements that represent abundance generous enough to extend compassion even to leaders making difficult choices.
Not sure how to read your space according to this map? Click here.
CLOSING INSIGHT
Rabbi Levi Yitzchak of Berditchev teaches that "beha'alotcha" means "when you cause to ascend." True leadership elevates others by first illuminating the darkness within ourselves. Perhaps the most courageous act of household leadership is creating space where family members can acknowledge their capacity for selfishness and poor judgment – not as pathology to be fixed, but as humanity to be integrated. When we can own our shadows at home, we stop projecting them onto our leaders and start extending the compassion that fractured communities desperately need.
